Not long ago, when I worked in investment banking, at exactly 7:30pm on Sundays, I would get serious anxiety just thinking about the workweek ahead. I didn’t like my job. Actually, I hated it. My anxiety was so bad that my body would cramp and my attitude always turned crappy.  It got to the point where I couldn’t enjoy Sunday dinner with my family. It was terrible.
Now, at the same time on Sundays, I no longer dread Monday. A matter of fact, I get EXCITED and CAN’T WAIT for the week ahead. The journey between investment banking and my current career wasn’t easy but worth the walk and it all started with one step, literally.

Do you have anxiety thinking about your workweek ahead? Do you literally feel sick just thinking about going into the office tomorrow? Then, what are YOU going to do about it? Remember, every journey began the same way – with a first step.

You are responsible for your happiness and the only way to change your life is to own your power. Directly face the fear keeping you in your current position by taking swift and bold action. Take your step, don’t wait, get started now!

“You don’t have to be great to get started, but you have to get started to be great.” ~Les Brown

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No matter how bad you think you are, remember there are people out there who don’t think like you. You would probably say they have less than you – less to offer, less in personality, less in looks – yet nothing stops them.

They go for what they want. Stop worrying about how you need to lose twenty pounds of fat or gain twenty pounds of muscle. Stop worrying about whether you have the right job, education or look. Make you the best you who you can be and consign yourself to the belief that you deserve love – not love if you were just a little different, but love as you are.

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If you want your situation to change, YOU have to change. The most effective strategy we can use to create lasting change is to actively surround ourselves with people who inspire us.

I want you to promise me that in 2013, you will spend more time with people who motivate you to be better. Promise me!

Imagine if Barack Obama, Mark Zuckerberg, Oprah Winfrey, and Bethany Hamilton were your crew. Seriously, think about the gems of wisdom they would share, how they would never allow you to quit, the pressure they would put on you to learn more, work smarter, to be great? Just think what one year of friendship with BFFs like that would yield?

Now, think about your current crew. How far is the deficit?

Mind the gap!

I’m not telling you to drop everyone you currently run with but I am saying to do some critical analysis.

Think of the five or ten people you spend the most time with. Are you proud about what they have accomplished? Are you impressed with what they are doing now? Are they passionate about the values you have? Do they inspire you?

If the answer is ‘no’ to all of the above, then it’s time to find new friends.

The biggest single predictor of success (however you want to define it) are the people we ‘kick it with.‘

So before everything else, spend 2013 getting your crew right.

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Reporter: You had such an incredible year, I would imagine the best of your life, right?

Me: Hmmm (I thought long and hard about the question).

Reporter: Wow, you have to think about it? Shouldn’t your answer be an automatic YES? You starred in 2 new shows on the Oprah Winfrey Network, released a bestselling book, became nominated for an NAACP Image Award, and also your industry’s Best Matchmaker and Relationship Coach of the year nomination!  Come on man, what more could you want?

Me: No, it actually WAS NOT the best year of my life. In fact, I wasn’t very happy this year.

Reporter: (Silence)

I learned an important lesson this year: Happiness is driven by feeding our values. It’s that simple. Don’t feed your values and I guarantee you’ll feel a substantial part of life is missing. Feed your values and you will possess a sense of fullness beyond measure.

What are values? These are our guiding principles of life. I like to call them our rule book of living. We all have values. No one has better or lesser values than anyone else. For example, my top 3 values (in priority) are: Spirituality, Family, and Creativity. What this means is that I live for these categories, they are essentially the fuel to my being. Without them I am empty.

As I reflected upon 2012, I realized despite my many blessings, I neglected feeding my top values. I spent less time practicing my faith and fellowshipping than any year in my life. I spent less time with my immediate family. I didn’t create or innovate like years before. Instead, I mostly participated in activities where I was a role player, not a role maker.

A feeling of emptiness had been weighing on me throughout the year but I felt ashamed to publicly talk about it. I mean, how foolish would it look if I tweeted a photo of myself eating dinner with Oprah and the next tweet said I’m not happy with my life right now…lol. But I’m putting an end to my front today. My strength for speaking up comes from knowing I’m not alone. Also, I’m driven by wanting to share how I was able to remove the mean mug from my face.

How did I do it? I fed my values.

Just a few weeks ago, after discovering the anorexic state of my values, I made a promise to myself that I was going to start making decisions as best as I could within the framework of my values. And when I did, it was just like I hit a rest button, and that old friend happiness came charging back! I started attending church and fellowshipping throughout the week! Adjusted my schedule to travel less and be at home the majority of the week. I started driving and picking my son up from school. Also now, on weekends there is a high likelihood friends and family will be in my living room, feet up, sipping on Red Stripe. On the creativity front, I’m currently developing a new web series as well as creating innovative projects that break the mold for my industry. Bottom line, focusing activities within my core values has helped me regain control of my state of mind.

If despite your many blessings, you still feel a sense of emptiness. I encourage you to reflect upon your life and ask yourself a simple question:

When was the last time my values were fed?

The post How I Cured My Emptiness appeared first on PaulCBrunson.

Dear Frustrated Entrepreneur – A year ago today, I was on a flight to Los Angeles (as I am now writing this) but my situation was much different. 12 months ago I was a recent business guy turned matchmaker. Many of my friends and former business partners laughed, mocked, and more damaging to me personally, doubted me. I recall a family friend visiting me at my house and saying “look, you have a son now, stop playing around and get a REAL career.”

I didn’t have much to respond with – revenue was coming in but nowhere near what I made in my previous job.  Competitors were popping up daily, and my current marketing efforts weren’t stellar (I was a social media layman having just joined twitter). All that said, although the world felt like it was against me, there was this voice in my mind telling me to keep trying.

But I couldn’t explain that to my friend. If on top of all his disappointment I told him I had a little voice in my head, he would have strapped me down and taken me off for a psychiatric evaluation.

A year later (today) I’m flying to Los Angeles to do the The Talk. It’ll be my second appearance on the show and my 14th national TV appearance within a year. Within the last year, I starred alongside Oprah in what has become an award winning TV show. Within the last year, I published a book that became an Amazon bestseller within 4 days. Within the last year, I more than quadrupled my earnings. What a difference a year can make!

So if you’re frustrated, if your friends and family doubt you, if you’re not making enough money to justify staying in business, if you have no idea why you’re listening to that one little voice telling you to keep going. I ask you to keep listening – that’s faith talking to you.

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The following is an excerpt from the Introduction of my book It’s Complicated (But It Doesn’t Have To Be):

She followed all the “rules,” and he did exactly what his father told him to do. Even though those rules and his father’s advice were all colored by the experiences of others’ failures, of their disappointment in learning society’s love myths weren’t true, then imposing their jaded perspective on you. The contradictions pile up like a freeway accident.

Never make the first move, she was told. Never let your guard down, his father said. And don’t want it too much. But remember you still need to want it enough. Your friends tell you the fastest way to find love is to stop looking for it. Then they tell you to join an online dating website. You’re told you need to settle things right away once you start dating, find out everyone’s intentions. But then you’re told not to scare them away with your desire for closeness and intimacy. You’re told to give over your heart com­pletely and love without abandoned. But that you can never really trust anyone because every man and woman is a Martian and Venusian stereotype you have to beat at their own game. How can you trust? Best friends, homeboys, relatives said the last thing you could do was trust anyone. Love was a game of constant chin-checking, snooping, accusations, and recriminations. All emotions must be guarded, save for anger and disappointment. Love is a battlefield where you never let them see the truth in your eyes, because they’ll only use it against you.

And you get so much information. On television. Online. And it’s coming, changing all the time.

You’re told to delay sex. Then you’re told you need to put out more. You’re told to go all out to impress on a first date. Then you’re told to be more casual and just go for coffee. She texts. He doesn’t. He likes instant messaging. She likes a phone call. She’s intensely private. He relays every intimate detail about his dating life on his blog. You go to the club with your girls and wonder why no man ever comes near. (Psst. It’s because you rolled up in a club with a bunch of girls.) You go to the club with your boys and wonder why every girl you hit on turns you down. (Psst. It’s because you hit on every . . .girl . . . in . . . the . . . club. And none of them could hear you over those thumping beats.)

Is everyone crazy? Is that why you’re alone? Is everyone an angry mass of clingy, distant, withdrawn, too intense, abusive, controlling, unfaithful hot mess? Or are you those things and that’s all you attract? You’re looking for love in all the wrong and right places, and you’re getting frustrated wondering, What are the rules? Where is the method in this relationship madness? Should a man always pay for the first date? What if you’re just meeting for coffee? What if it’s a blind date? What if the woman asked? Should the person who asked pay? After that first date, how soon should a man call back? Should a woman call? Does a text count? Does a message on Facebook count? Does a chat on instant messaging count?

In the beginning a woman never approached a man, and a man asked a woman’s father for her hand in marriage. In the past there were arrangements and there was the exchange of cattle. Today, people leave home at eighteen, start careers at twenty-two; parents are those people you visit during the holidays, and women own their own homes. So why are you still operating on by a playbook written in 1955? This isn’t Mad Men, this is the real world. When it comes to love and dating in real life and online, it’s time the book of love got an upgrade.

There will always be rules, but the game has changed. Every situation has its own nuances, its own indefinable idiosyncrasies. Meaning, while it may have worked for your friend who met his future wife at Free Wing Night at the club, and they had sex on the first date—doesn’t mean it’ll work for you. Societal shifts have altered the game permanently and we have to adapt to the field.

Have you adapted?

To purchase your copy of It’s Complicated (But It Doesn’t Have to Be), please click here!

Reprinted from It’s Complicated by Paul Carrick Brunson by arrangement with Gotham Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc., Copyright © 2012 by Paul Carrick Brunson

The post There Will Always Be Rules appeared first on PaulCBrunson.

Everyday I schedule time to respond to questions on Twitter and Facebook. It’s a very interesting part of my day because I never know what I’ll be asked. The questions range from what you would imagine is typical: “Do all men cheat?” While some are more outrageous and crazy: “Paul, what do you do with your clipped toe nails?” (Answers: 1) the most extensive studies on infidelity and marriage suggest the majority of men do not cheat. 2) I collect my nails in a silk satchel and put them under my pillow at night… just kidding!)

Recently, something stood out in the questions. Several people asked, “How can I meet someone new?” I found this interesting because normally I get the question of “Where can I meet someone new?” Typically it’s not “how.” For the record, I like “how” much better because there’s not one spot where you can absolutely find a partner.

The key to meeting “the one” is in the expansion of your social circle. It’s important to remember that the number one way, over the last 100 years, that women and men meet for marriage has been through family and friends. And, while you can’t expand your family, you can expand your friendship circles.

The following are well-researched ways to expand your social circle and therefore give yourself the highest likelihood of finding the one.

The post Proven Ways To Meet Someone New appeared first on PaulCBrunson.

About a year ago, I was contacted by a guy on twitter named Torrey McGraw (sounds like a country singer, right). At the time, he pitched an interview idea for me to talk in-depth about my company and how (and why) I created it. My gut thought was “who the hell would want to listen to me talk about business?” Also, I didn’t know Torrey from Adam. Could he be trying to get me on live video and do the okie-doke with some gag (this actually happened before…long story)??  But I trusted my gut and trusted Torrey, and did it.

12 months later, Torrey (who has now become a good friend and to my knowledge can’t sing a lick) tells me our interview was one of the most popular ever done on his Grind and Thrive site. Also, to keep it real, I’m very passionate about entrepreneurship (hell, I’m Jamaican, so I have to be). What this interview did for me was gave me the confidence to finally speak up about something other than romantic relationships.

I just gave the interview another listen and everything in it is applicable to today. If you’re searching for your passion, we talked about it! If you’re wanting tips on branding & building a business, it’s all in there! It’s also amazing to see me talk about ideas and dreams (a year ago) that are coming to fruition now (hmmm, laws of attraction).

I encourage you to grab a notepad and something good to drink like this…and check out this interview.

The post How I Found My Passion + Tips On Branding & Entrepreneurship appeared first on PaulCBrunson.

This is a terribly tragic and profound story about the cousin of a good friend of mine. Yesterday morning, a pregnant mother, who was leaving her baby shower, after just getting married 30 days ago, lost her life in a car crash. The driver of the car was her 15 year-old son. In the backseat, her 5 year-old daughter. Her children survived the crash and her unborn baby was delivered alive.

This family needs our prayer. Let us uplift them in prayer. Let us also be reminded that we must embrace today, for tomorrow is not promised. Friends, I ask you to allow this story to remind you that we must make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again…

View more videos at: http://nbcdfw.com.

Crash Kills Mother-To-Be, Doctors Save Baby

An Arlington family is mourning the loss of a mother, wife and daughter.

ShaChela Womack died in a car crash early Sunday morning in Dallas County at FM 1382 near the intersection of Eagle Ford Drive.

Womack’s 15-year old son, who relatives said had just gotten his learners’ permit was behind the wheel of the car. They said he may have been driving because she was tired.  Her 5-year old daughter was also on the car.

Womack was 9 months pregnant, police said.

The children survived, and doctors were able to save the baby, but Womack died.

“She found happiness, she had just found happiness with her husband,” said Lavonne Gilbert, Womack’s mother.

Womack had just gotten married on June 30th.

“To be married only 30 days and for this to happen,” Gilbert said.

Gilbert said Womack was driving back from her own baby shower. The police report said Womack’s son told police he couldn’t see through the back window because of the items in the car.

“Those were her baby shower gifts,” explained Gilbert. “Something happened, he lost control… I guess they went off the road, flipped.”

The children are expected to be okay. Gilbert said the baby’s heart is beating, and doctors at Methodist Central are looking for brain activity.

Womack’s husband was at a funeral for his grandmother at the time of the crash. The baby will be named after that grandmother.

More here

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I have a secret to tell you — I’m a voyeur. Not a “sit outside your house and watch you get dressed” type of voyeur, but the type that is obsessed with how you interact with new people… especially romantic interests. It is partly because of this trait that I created flow dating — speed dating meets dance-off meets pop culture and political trivia.

Flow dating is not only designed for good people to connect, it’s also my human fishbowl — to watch how people interact, see what is effective, and what’s not working.

In just 2 years time, I have facilitated over 10,000 speed dates and successfully matched nearly 3,000 people on first dates. While I’m happy with those numbers, what has been most rewarding for me personally has been analyzing the interactions of those men and women. I’ve had all ethnicities participate, they’ve come from all walks of life (religion, education, career, etc.), and despite that diversity, nearly 100% of attendees have agreed to one simple theory: confidence equals sex appeal which equals the fastest driver to attraction!

This single characteristic (confidence), is what I call the “great equalizer” because if you have it, it balances out less desired characteristics. For example, if you’re a woman who is overweight yet confident…you’re still #winning! Let’s say you’re a guy who is 5’5″ yet exudes confidence… you’re still #winning! Style worse than Flavor Flav, yet confident… you’re #winning (kinda…lol). You see my point though, confidence is sexy and if you have it, chances are, those that recognize you have it, will also find you attractive.

Here’s the GREAT news: After studying body language for sometime now, I can tell you that confidence is a learned behavior. Sure, some are naturals, but for the rest of us, learning confidence simply takes practice.

The following are my top 9 methods to convey confidence. Do these the next time you’re out at a social gathering and I guarantee people will walk away sensing your confidence!

1) Introduce Yourself by Name and Do It Slowly

I learned this in drama class waaaay back in the day. Always introduce your name like you’re reading it off a billboard in Times Square – do it very deliberately and paced: “Hi, I’m PAUL… CARRICK… BRUNSON” – pausing a full count between your first, middle (I recommend using your middle name, it’s another point of differentiation), and last name. Not to put too much pressure on this step, but these may be all the words you get out before a first impression is cemented in stone (typically, a first impression is made within 7 seconds of meeting someone). If you don’t treat your own name with respect and dignity, why should anyone else?

2) Ask For Their Name and Use It

There is no sweeter sound in the world than the sound of our name. This is a critical step. Ask for the person’s name (if not offered to you) and use it several times in conversation. I advise using a person’s name at least once every 10 minutes of dialogue.

3) Limit Your Smiles

I’m a huge “smile” advocate (#shoutout to my #nomeanmugginmonday crew), however, folks that don’t smile appear more confident…especially guys, it’s a fact. We tend to smile when we’re nervous or trying to hustle someone. So, does this mean stop smiling…no. What it does mean is, be strategic with your smiling. Flash those pearly whites only on occasion, when using the person’s name, when they tell a joke, or when you’re making a positive point.

4) Give a Firm Handshake and Touch, Periodically

I can’t tell you how much I hate it when someone gives me a soft shake (and if mixed with a clammy feel…yuck). A firm handshake is better than sex (not really, just wanted to see if you’re still paying attention). Firm handshakes are the best way to begin a strong connection with someone. A handshake also drops the first domino on “touching.” Touching is a powerful tool that when done right, can create a wonderful connection, but when done wrong, can make you seem sleazy and less confident. I recommend the 5/15 rule when touching; within 15 minutes I touch the person I’m talking to 5 times. The key is for each touch to be subtle and unpremeditated, not too serious or dramatic.

5) Never Look Down and Nod Appropriately

The saying goes “eyes are the windows to our souls.” If you limit eye contact because you’re looking away, you simply don’t look confident. Eye contact should be focused on the person with whom you’re talking. Be sure to mix in a few nods and eye blinks, otherwise you look like a stalker. The rule of thumb is that short single nods are most effective – it shows that you’re listening. Double or triple nods make it seem as if you’re trying to speed the person up… #NotWinning

6) Use the B.B.R. (Belly Button Rule)

This is my favorite rule and one I talk about in-depth at my coaching sessions – the B.B.R. otherwise known as the Belly Button Rule is the MOST TELLING and COMPELLING of all body language tactics. The direction our belly button faces reflects our attitude and our emotional state. When we face our navel towards someone, we’re subconsciously saying we’re interested in the person or the conversation. Face your navel away, and you’re saying “get me the hell out of this.” Most people do not know this rule, so learn it, master it, and you’ll be able to better read and control your interactions.

7) Stand In The Center

I must admit, this is something I consciously do. If you attend any of the events I host, you will witness me in action…I walk to the center of the room and talk to everyone from that position for most of the night (until the space around me turns into a dance floor and I slip into the Cha-Cha Slide). This applies to your macro and micro positioning – so if you’re having a conversation with 4 people, stand in the middle of the group. If the group is in a large room filled with people, encourage them to stand nearest to the center. The effectiveness of this is enormous, not only do the people in your immediate conversation naturally look to you as the “group leader,” additionally, people standing in the room, who glance at your group, will assume you are the center of attention (and you will be, literally).

8) Be Careful What You Do with Your Hands and Arms

In new situations, we instinctively want to put our hands in our pockets, or ladies, if you’re wearing a dress with no pockets, you may fumble with the lapel of your dress. Where you put your hands is very telling – stay away from crossing your arms, shoving hands in your pockets, or holding your hands in front of you (in what’s considered the fig leaf position). All of these display fear, anxiety, or caution – not signs of someone who is confident.

9) Leave The Conversation Early

This sounds very “pick-up artist-like” but it is what it is (note: I see tremendous value in studying pick-up artistry). When you end the conversation and walk away early, at your own discretion, this conveys that your time is limited, and you have other important things to do. This is especially effective when you were in a good conversation, it leaves the person wanting to hear more from you. This rule is particularly important when ladies “approach” men…when you leave men wanting more in a conversation, his chase begins!

The preceding are all tactics that you can use to immediately “appear” more confident. I challenge you to use all of these suggestions at your next social gathering and let me know how you feel you were perceived.

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