• PURCHASE MY BOOK AT THESE RETAILERS:

Just K.I.S.S.: 4 Things To Remember When Dating Gets Tough

Posted by: | 47 Comments
Pin It

“When it’s right, it’s easy!”

I found myself saying this a lot to clients I coach…

But, somewhere along the way, something changed.

NOW…

Dating is complicated.

I believe it’s time we get back to the K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Stupid) principle just for our own dating sanity!! I’ve got my own 4 ideas of what K.I.S.S. can stand for though, so let’s talk about it…

K.I.S.S.

When Dating Gets Tough, K.I.S.S.

What used to be as simple as “I like you…do you like me?” turned into “I’m gonna act like I don’t like you so that you will like me more.”

What used to be as simple and straightforward as posing the question “will you be my girlfriend?” turned into “we’re not together, but we are together, but only when it’s convenient for me, but in the meantime I’ll get mad if you talk to someone else.”

What used to be “I can’t wait to call and talk to you!” turned into “I can only text if you text me first and I gotta space my responses out so that I don’t look thirsty.”

What used to be seen as chivalrous if he opened your door or pulled out your chair turned into “I don’t need him to open my doors, I’ve got two hands just like him and I can open my own doors!”

Why has this shift occurred? Because neither party wants to show any signs of vulnerability or weakness by giving someone else the “upper hand.”

Really, people? We’ve turned dating into calculus and we made it so hard that very few can understand it!

But let’s take the difficulty out of it, by using my 4 K.I.S.S. principles…

1. Know

Know your purpose for dating.

The biggest recipe for dating disaster is when you go into it with no idea about what you want or what your end game is. You may call it going with the flow, but I call it setting yourself up to drown!

When someone asks you what you are looking for, you should have done enough self-evaluation for it to roll off of your tongue like your ABC’s! If you want to know why you keep ending up in “situations” with so much ambiguity, then you may want to look at the game plan you had before getting yourself into the dating game.

2. Intuition

Follow your intuition!

Truth is that most times we know when something is wrong and probably won’t turn out well, but we tend to suppress the voice of our intuition and turn up the volume of our hormones.

Your gut told you that she was looking for more than just sex. Your gut told you that he was already involved with someone. Your gut told you that he/she was really insecure and it would come back to haunt you.

Your intuition rarely leads you wrong, but sometimes we just spend too much time trying to beat the odds !

3. Slow Down

I  get that he turns you on, or that she has your nose wide open (like the old folks used to say) and the chemistry is great, but that doesn’t mean go from 0 to 10 in 2 dates!

I know it may be tempting to expedite the dating process because it’s easier to just believe that the person is everything you want them to be. If you don’t slow down, though, their representative (because you haven’t met the “real” guy or girl yet) will fool you every time!

Take some time to get to know the person on multiple levels, in different situations and varying circumstances to see if their claimed values are their real values.

This could make or break the future of the relationship, so don’t skip this step!

4. Say it!

If you want to spend time with someone, SAY IT. If you want to talk on the phone rather than text, SAY IT! If you desire an actual relationship and not just a “situationship,” then SAY IT! If you want to go on dates that involve more than a RedBox movie and his apartment at midnight then, SAY IT! If you find that your values and intentions just don’t match, then just SAY IT and move on…it’s OK!

I’m often asked the question “Why is dating so hard?” My response is always simple: dating the right way isn’t hard, because when it’s right….it’s easy! Leave the games for the kids and instead just K.I.S.S.!

What other ways have you simplified the dating process? Have you used one of the above K.I.S.S. principles? Let’s talk about it!

This post is written by Troy Spry. Troy is a relationship coach and certified life coach. He is the creator of XKlusiveThoughts.com, a place dedicated to inspiring people to become their best selves. In addition to his website, you can find him on Twitter and Facebook.

Posted on: Apr 25, 2014

You might also like...

46 comments
Rynick
Rynick

I agree ppl just need to stop it, bc if you cant be honest with your feelings then that tells you right there that the person is obviously NOT your life partner if thats what your looking for. And women especially have intuition but we rationalize it away with.. Oh its still early in the relationship or well listen to them as well as think well I dont actually know bc i havent seen it with my own eyes . i have no proof. If you see smoke there is a fire somewhere. Trust yourself and know thyself. For jealous ppl you may have to really be keen and focused, real and honest about what you feel ur experiencing. But if your not... most ppl know when they are experiencing a dig, a put down, bs, or an uncaring, uncommitted spirit. You dont have to see it or have them tell you they dont care. Trust yourself to know youve been around long enough to know. Continuing when you know otherwise is doing them a favor love and protect yourself, give yourself the benefit of the doubt and deal with the situation accordingly. At best you dodged a bullet or someone who was on the line of being one. In that case its ok you didnt miss anything but confusion, worry an headache.



Rynick


Santana Duncan
Santana Duncan

I agree! Many today misconstrue their dating life/partners for real relationships. That's why when one person is claiming the other that person is busy calling them a 'friend'

Sonya Makeba
Sonya Makeba

Troy, I'm sorry I didn't give you props! I assumed Paul wrote it. I've edited my post to reflect. Great job!

PatienceEnesi
PatienceEnesi

Now I  see why you are call matchmaking,i really like this,thank you Mr Paul,God bless you and your family,amen.

Gloria Chester
Gloria Chester

Why you on that subject? Are you not a married man.

Rhonda Perkins
Rhonda Perkins

I like this. Good advice. Very helpful. I also feel due to recent observations both in life and on t.v. That we might also engage family and friends in a dialogue about what their expectations of us are when we are dating. A good example of why this would be helpful is the conflict between Kandy Buress and her Mom.

Jennifer Carpenter
Jennifer Carpenter

Great advice! Definitely encourages me to want to at least test the waters again and see what happens.....

Nichole Renee
Nichole Renee

This article was very "simple" and works for me.  I'm going to definitely implement the last "S" and say it.  I think a lot of people don't say what they need to say because they don't want to rock the boat.  Let's rock it!

Amber RThomas
Amber RThomas

I just stopped dating. To much hassle, but your k.I.s.s. would have been a better approach. Now that I know them when I do start dating again I can use them.

Shaun Bennett West
Shaun Bennett West

Pineapples. No dating for me. I'll pray about it. Great read Paul Brunson!

Sonya Makeba
Sonya Makeba

Paul, this is one of the best dating articles ever written! The author kept it K.I.S.S. himself...Knowledgeable, Insightful, Short and Simple! My favorite line, hands down- "Your intuition rarely leads you wrong." So often we ignore the silent, yet loud inner voice of discernment. I only disagree with oooooone little aspect of this article though, and that involves the "saying" part. I do believe that verbal confirmation is important, but some things don't have to be said. I shouldn't have to tell a grown man (40 years +) that I just gave my number to to pick up the phone and call me instead of texting and asking me out. I mean, really? lol

Chomeka Sims
Chomeka Sims

Soooo many good points in this article! I've been scratching my head a lot on the dating game or whatever you wanna call it, and it is soo true.. We have overcomplicated the whole process!

Ashley Crudup
Ashley Crudup

I went with the flow and am now a single mother.not a good idea

Camille Bounds
Camille Bounds

I'm not interested in dating. I don't know why. I'm working on me and it feels great!

astarr4u2know
astarr4u2know

This was helpful. I've need doing this for a while but my delivery needed some tweeking. I hope he reads this article cause I sure sent it to him!

Jeannette Beckett Williams
Jeannette Beckett Williams

As a widow just getting back into the dating world, I thank you for these notes of wisdom! They are really helpful! When a new friend asked me "what it is I am looking for" I didn't hesitate because I knew it was important to be able to articulate my expectations and desires thanks to your FB postings. Explaining myself really seemed to set my friend at ease. This is why I keep coming back to FB... for bringing positive people into my life like Mr. Brunson who I may otherwise never meet or know about. Thanks Mr. Brunson!

KimChi's Zen
KimChi's Zen

Omg...I am so I tuned with this right now. A relationship therapist gave me the advice of 'go with the flow'...I asked him, "But what if that flow is headed to the sewers?" #knowingmyownmind

Namie Bimba
Namie Bimba

Loved all the steps but especially #4 SAY IT!! I find that when you practice #1 knowing your purpose in dating or at least what you're looking for and you don't suppress your intuition--listening to it every step of the way--you won't have a problem with slowing down and giving in to pressure. Time will tell you a lot of things about a person! But if you let your hormones override your intuition and you're going from 0-10 in 2 dates you will always end up with regret and shame!! Lol Don't keep putting yourself in the same position and then wondering why things never work out for you! Learn from your mistakes and definitely always be up front and SAY IT!! Say what you mean and what you say! Don't be afraid to respond to any man or woman's proposition with what you are truly looking for. If you're incompatible then you're incompatible!! You have to be willing to live with that and move on! It saves both of you time and wastes energy! Just be willing to stand by your convictions because some people don't give up after they've been told no. They will push/test you to see if you really mean what you said! Stand tall and don't give in to the charm!

Katie Loper
Katie Loper

Hmmm... I go into it every time knowing exactly what I want and it turns into a disaster. Lol People don't seem to know how to be loyal, honest and trustworthy : /

Troy Spry
Troy Spry

Sonya no worries! It's on his site so I completely understand. Thank you so much and Im glad you enjoyed the piece! 

Troy Spry
Troy Spry

Thanks for reading Amber! Don't give up. You have to be in the game to win it!

Troy Spry
Troy Spry

Sonya thanks again for your comments! Okay your disagreement lies the disconnect with dating. People use almost every other form of communication at a higher rate than actually talking on live or on the phone. Because of this it is pertinent that now we just communicate how we prefer to be communicated with. There is nothing wrong with just simply saying "hey I am really interested in getting to know you and I would much rather hear your voice than to just have to text all of my thoughts. Texting is okay from time to time but I love to communicate on a more personal level." Something as simple as that will change how he communicates with you (if he is truly interested). If you don't just say that then he may assume that texting is okay and you will end up frustrated. See my point? Simple communication can change a lot of dynamics. 

Troy Spry
Troy Spry

Thanks Chomeka im glad you enjoyed the read! Keep It Simple!

Troy Spry
Troy Spry

Thanks Angela! It just comes from a lot of experience, a lot of research, a lot of coaching, and a lot of luck! Thanks for reading. 


Troy Spry
Troy Spry

Jeannette thanks for reading and I am glad my piece was able to help you. Keep keeping it simple and you will have success! 

Troy Spry
Troy Spry

Thanks for reading Namie! Good comments and great insight!

Troy Spry
Troy Spry

Thanks for reading Trina! I appreciate the love1