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Do You Suffer From “Type Hype?”: How To (Really) Find Your Match

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Remember the popular, satirical YouTube video called “(Authentic) Black Marriage Negotiations”? Well, if not, to refresh your memory: the wildly popular video featured a computer generated image of a Black woman listing all the things she wanted in a man.


The clip was loathed by the many, but there were some who liked the video. It gained my attention because it tapped into what has been a big issue in my work.

People are often unable to tell values from wants.  Often, these people suffer from “Type Hype.” But, what’s the fix?

“Type Hype” & Identifying Relationship Vitals

As the computer animation rattled off her laundry list of things she desired in a mate, it reminded me that both men and women – regardless of race – sometimes get a little too fixated on what “type” of mate they want, versus a person who is actually compatible with them – a person who shares their values.

Among the cartoon’s desires:

  • A man who will pay all the bills, yet recognize she is an independent woman
  • An educated man
  • A thug
  • A man who can take charge, lead and direct his household, until she disagrees with his direction
  • A man of God
  • A baller, etc.

Most of the desires are contradictions to point out the absurdity of having any kind of list for anyone, and the video inspired many copycats and responses from a variety of perspectives.

Beauty and wealth. Education and class. They all sound good on paper, but you can meet the most beautiful, wealthy, educated aristocrat of your dreams and they could be an amoral beast. To get the love we want we have to learn how to move beyond “types” and look for love based on common “values” and complimentary “personality.” Love doesn’t come from “type hype.”

Type Hype

What is “type hype,” exactly? Quite simply, it’s when you get caught up romanticizing your ideal “type” of mate, which results in “hyping” up or projecting unrealistic expectations upon your ideal partner.

“Type hype” can doom a relationship and pose some unnecessary pitfalls, because much of the time it causes you to ignore evaluating the real things that contribute to a successful relationship: values and personality.

So, what’s the antidote to “type hype”? The answer is…

In creating a good match, you have to take stock of your “relationship vitals” – things that make up the core of what you want and believe in, then take stock of the things that are “non-starters,” (ie: the things that would kill a potential relationship – like if your partner doesn’t believe in monogamy and you do, or if you don’t want kids, but your potential partner wants a basketball team).

From there, take stock of your personality and the personality of your partner – are you both introverts? Extroverts? Are you more driven and is he more of a supporter? Do you mesh? And take stock of your level of physical attraction and how important is that to you to be sexually attracted to your partner.

I’ve found in my practice that if you can confirm that a partner shares your top values, has a personality that meshes well with your own, meets your non-starters, and there is a healthy level of romantic attraction your chance of making a successful match goes from virtually nothing (about .04 percent) to a nearly 50-50 chance.

Don’t you like those odds better?

But in order to make that match you need to be able to:

  • Distinguish the difference between a non-starter (need) and a preference (want).
  • Learn what your core personality type is.
  • Understand how your personality fits or is compatible with other personality types.

After the initial rush and passion of a new romance, after the sex, after time passes, you will eventually get used to your partner. You will get older. Your needs or desires may change with time. And at some point, all the great sex and good looks in the world won’t cover for the fact that if you can’t get along with your partner, if you don’t enjoy spending time with them or talking to them, if you aren’t friends – it’s not going to work.

It’s like the befuddlement when someone cheats on a gorgeous actor or actress. People lament, how could he or she run out on one of the most beautiful people in the world?

Because beautiful doesn’t mean we’ll get along.

Beautiful doesn’t equal happiness.

Beautiful doesn’t mean you’re a good person, or a stable person, or a kind person or simply – the right person for you.

Beautiful is just that. Beautiful. A gorgeous person could be faithful or they could be a cheat, but their looks are no real indicator of truths that lay in their personality. A beautiful person can be insecure, they can be shallow, they can be mean or emotionally ugly.

Because “beautiful” is a “type,” not a value.

Values are the things that tell you who is right for you.

And who is right for you? How will you go about identifying that person?

First, you have to know you who are. Next, you have to be ready to throw your list away that says your dream man must be 6’1”, have dreadlocks, an advance degree from a prestigious university, has White House connections and the skin tone of a young Denzel Washington in Mo’ Betta Blues. Instead, you have to focus your attention on finding someone who matches your (realistic) relationship vitals.

Why? With a “list” you may be holding yourself back from the kind of man (or woman) who is actually right for you.

Have you ever suffered from “Type Hype?” What lessons did you learn?

 

For more ways to un-complicate your relationships, valuable tips and resources for finding your ideal mate, and more, check out my book!

Posted on: Mar 4, 2014

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37 comments
Hope Believe Love
Hope Believe Love

I have to meet the person and see what they are all about in person because , yes you think you are compatible till you actually meet the person and see how they act in person. No I have to have a type . Its called a responisble man that I can relate to and have a chemistry bond to. Or else it wouldnt work at all

Angie Cabrera
Angie Cabrera

Diana Cabrera you need to watch this. Most of it is you lol. I was laughing but most of it is true, we woman can be complicated at times and never know what we want.

sharilachelle
sharilachelle

@PaulCBrunson Your Type Hype article was a great read! When you're over 30 and dating, putting values before type is paramount!

Denise Cuffie
Denise Cuffie

I had to say this recently. Dude was indeed not my type and I was certainly not his!!!

Nessa JoBell
Nessa JoBell

YES! YES! YES! Preach on brother. I really loved the way u wrapped up the ending. It's true. It all starts with who u are as a person. Loving and knowing yourself. How can he be what you want if you don't even know what you want... I ask myself that question every time

Maitefa Angaza
Maitefa Angaza

Well, I know Times New Roman is not my type. I prefer Palatino Linotype... :)

Desh Dixon
Desh Dixon

Good info as usual Paul Carrick Brunson

Melissa D. Coleman
Melissa D. Coleman

I recommend your book to all my friends that are single... I've spent years making things complicated out of fear of rejection, but I can say, I finally get it now! It's amazing what an open mind and a book can do for you.

Nathalie Gregg
Nathalie Gregg

I almost missed a huge opportunity Paul Carrick Brunson because I used to live by those words. Thanks for the reminder!

Linda Murphy
Linda Murphy

Yeah LOSERS are never my type, this is why I am done with dating. It seems that every dude that approaches me is a liar, cheater, doesn't take care of his responsibilities or just flat out worthless, I don't care where I live they are always in my face, even with background checks you can't find out everything about them, especially if they were never charged, IJS, and to say that is what I attract is redundant! I don't have branded on my head "LOSERS WANTED"! I consider myself a good person, I am a child of God, which is most important, I am giving and loving and treat people with respect and the way I want to be treated, I try my best to be upfront and honest with people and pray that they do the same in return, and the other thing is that I am a healthy eater and expect the same out of whoever I am with. If your body is not on the up and up, everything else is down hill, which can lead to medical problems.

Tesha Page
Tesha Page

This is a very interesting article. My list gets smaller every year however I think what really makes it difficult is going through the process. It's exhausting ! Dating is just not what it used to be. Core values are important but now-a-days people don't have values.

Tishawn Fortner
Tishawn Fortner

We all say we have a type until we meet that one guy who's personality and style blows us away.A persons convers as tion and outlook on life has its own little way of creeping up on you and making you reexamine your feelings.

Shannon Calmese
Shannon Calmese

I think we all suffer from the type hype to an extint...I'm w Danielle Attmore there needs to be attraction.

Meta Tladi
Meta Tladi

If there's a disharmony between mine & his core values, then he's not my type nor am I his.

Danielle Attmore
Danielle Attmore

I don't have a type. But if I'm not attracted to you it's just not happening.

EshaWhitlow
EshaWhitlow

I have a list at first i just went with the flow Now I'm letting God lead me but i still have my list for My husband..

Shalikah Hicks
Shalikah Hicks

In the video clip, did she also mention she want a thug?.. lol. It's less of the want factor but really the dissatisfaction within you.. Because if you do find a person that has achieved all these things.. Then what? Great article Paul

Crystal Johnson
Crystal Johnson

I like older men and a man that's eaten a few steaks in his life time.

Alana Olubunmi Toolie
Alana Olubunmi Toolie

Yep, I was guilty of this once upon a time. Then I wasn't. Then, I dated a guy for a couple of months and thought he had everything I thought i wanted, but turns out, he had nothing. Now, I have NO IDEA what I want. So, my type no longer exists!

Dafanie Chikumo
Dafanie Chikumo

to me this post is absolutely correct I go by what I believe is true rather than just what other people are saying,

desireemmondesir
desireemmondesir

LOL at the video which I had previously never seen. And "amoral beast"? Dear brother, you are brilliant! :) 

Jill Parks
Jill Parks

Thank you. Great read. This part of my life is more than likely over, but it's still good to know! And I also believe I will be checking out your book ;)

Lchiha
Lchiha

Lol so trueeee! I have been guilty many times...till I decided all I want is a husband.rose colored glassese off

Nathan Simmons
Nathan Simmons

it may be a traffic issue (a lot of people want to know) the page just loaded for me...

Chris Zwiener
Chris Zwiener

More times than I care to remember...before I read your book and other.

Jill Parks
Jill Parks

Link doesn't work for me. Would love to know.

Demetria Irwin
Demetria Irwin

Incidentally, I really like this font. It is my "type." LOL

Miss MAS
Miss MAS

Wow, that's a sad thing..But somehow, I believe there is at least one person out there who does have values, hope you find him..!