• PURCHASE MY BOOK AT THESE RETAILERS:

10 Behaviors that Keep You Single

10 Behaviors that Keep You Single
Pin It

If you are single, but would rather not be, I am sure you have given significant thought about why. I know what you’re thinking:

Why is it that I don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend yet certain people around me seem to hop (sometimes effortlessly) from one relationship to another?

Well, one answer is it may not be your season. For many, it is as simple as that. However, for others, it’s actually the right time but you’re practicing the wrong behaviors and standing in your own way.

Here are 10 things I have personally witnessed my single clients and friends do that keep them single. Are you guilty too?

 

1) You Hold On to Someone Who Isn’t Available

There are many reasons someone may not be available to date. Is he separated or married? Perhaps he is living with his girlfriend? If you hold on to such a person, fully knowing you are shared with someone else, you illustrate the lowest form of self-love and that won’t get you where you want to go.

 

2) You Don’t Believe Him When He Tells You the Truth

Many times, men will directly tell you their outlook on the relationship. They’ll say things like, “I’m not interested in anything serious” or “I don’t see myself being married.” If you hear anything similar, don’t think you’re the one person who can and will change his perspective. Trust me, you can’t; you won’t. Moreover, you’ll just end up wasting your time and resources. You only have power to change yourself.

 

3) Being a Toxic Date

Toxic dates are the ones who complain all the time. They are the ones who always blame you. They may always turn things around to make it someone else’s fault. They overreact to bad events. If all of this sounds familiar, “they” could be you. Toxic people are a huge energy drain. No matter how outwardly attractive or successful someone is, toxicity just ain’t sexy.

 

4) You Don’t Believe In Love

If you truly think you are destined to live life alone or you are of the thought that Michelle Obama married the “last good man on earth,” you’ll be right. Why? Because our belief is our reality.

 

5) You Do Nothing Differently

My favorite question to ask prospective clients is: “How many dates have you gone on in the last two years?” Most answer “zero.” (FYI – The average single in the U.S. has not been on one date in the last two years). Then my second question is always, “Are you happy with your number?” Most say no. My final question is always, “What are you doing differently to change it?” Most say “nothing.” The bottom line is that in every aspect of our life (dating included) we can’t do the same old thing and expect different results.

 

6) You Take Bad Advice from Friends and Family

I have written a full chapter on this in my book. Your friends are not relationship experts. Your loved ones often give bad advice. It’s well meaning, but awful, dating advice because they aren’t objective. Plus, they aren’t therapists or dating experts.

 

7) You Commit Too Soon

A top dating mistake that I see my clients make often is going from casually dating someone to exclusively dating that someone within a short period of time. This is a widespread issue. In 2012, the average U.S. couple became exclusive within just five dates. This is much too soon. Why, because it takes time to observe their values and it you also don’t know someone until you have witnessed them in a time of adversity.

 

8) You’re Lowering Your Standards to Compete

If you are concerned that because there are “so many women” vying for the man you are interested in you must “compete” and do things not within your value structure (like have sex earlier than planned), stop it. The moment you bend on your boundaries is the moment you begin to bully yourself.

 

9) Being List Obsessed

Do you chase after preferences? (You know, like he must be 6-foot tall and have perfect teeth?) We all have preferences and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The problem is when we don’t secure our own needs first. These are what I call in my book, “your relationship vitals” (values, personality type, non-starters, and attraction traits) and become obsessed with them opposed to what’s on a list of frills.

 

10) You’re Adhering to Ultimatums

Love is not selfish. Love doesn’t come with strings attached. If you have to give in to get him, get out.

 

 

For discussion: Are you guilty of any of these? 

 

Posted on: Jan 10, 2014

You might also like...

64 comments
TSR
TSR

Just broke up with a guy after 8 years because he didn't want to get married. I was 23 when we got together. So now I'm 31 single, African-american, graduating from law school in May, down to earth, attractive (from what I've been told), no kids, and feel like a statistic. The successful single black woman statistic that will die alone with cats. Any suggestions on dating for someone like me? Now when I date I get the what's wrong with you question.

Ashley Brooks
Ashley Brooks

Amen! I hate when people use the word "thirsty" in the wrong context.

Mom2theBest2
Mom2theBest2

I would add that you are looking for more than you have to give.  You're a 5 looking for a 10. Daters have to be realistic of the type of person who will be attracted to them based on who they REALLY are as an individual. I also try to have 5 non-negotiable traits like Honesty, Humility........and then be flexible on the other characteristics. 

Aisha A Muhammad
Aisha A Muhammad

Yea after I thought about it a little more..I kinda figured out....like ohh this is geared more towards him! Lol silly mee!

Emordi Victor Ifeanyi
Emordi Victor Ifeanyi

If you keep on looking at the present predicaments surrounding you,...you can never look up to step....

Eb Diaz
Eb Diaz

lol, I don't know about looking thirsty, but rather don't be afraid to be vulnerable.

Eb Diaz
Eb Diaz

Of course dah-ling...but I was talking more about him.

Aisha A Muhammad
Aisha A Muhammad

I get it now...lol but I don't want to be the only 1 proclaiming my feelings....I'd like it to be mutual!

LeoMcNeil
LeoMcNeil

Sounds about right.  I can be guilty of #1.  I definitely believe that an individual needs to switch up their routine and get out and date.  However, it is hard to try and date when there are a lot of things going on.  For instance, no one wants to be on my calender  because I have grad classes, working projects at work, or just busy in general.  It is difficult to have time to date when I feel like 95% of my time is trying to work my butt off to be at least financially secure.  

sosavvi14
sosavvi14

@PaulCBrunson lots of ppl havent dated cuz their dating/social scene is poor..if ur not w/ online dating, wut else can u "do" diff 2 change?

music4menu2
music4menu2

I can think of other things that may not be behaviors,  but still don't help you change your status..Living in an area with a limited or low quantity of eligible males, for one. Living in an area that's hard to get around to events for singles..Not finding stores with feminine clothing and shoes that actually fit and look good on you..Those are also not helping you meet the right person, either..And yes, plan b-moving on as well as moving location wise is called for, but its tricky.. I know for sure I don't want to end up in yet another area like where I am now..

Jay Hurt
Jay Hurt

This is an excellent list.  I especially like the point about not knowing someone until you have witnessed them in a time of adversity.  I wrote about this in my book.  I think it's so important to see how a person responds when the chips are down.  Anyone can be on your team when things are working out well, but what about when "life happens?"  Then you find out who has your back and who doesn't.  Good read, Paul!

Leona_LoveQuest
Leona_LoveQuest

I'm 43 years old and I've been on serious quest to find true love for the last two years. I'm reading your book now and I've read many others. I've change my behavior regarding all 10 of those issues and I'm not making any progress. Guess it's still not my season :(

C Parker
C Parker

Great post.  I started 2013 thinking I was ready for a relationship but after consulting with you realized I had some work to do.  But i can honestly say that I conquered each of these things over the past year (even though I didn't even realize I had some of these issues at the time).  Now I'm actually ready and can use the things you taught me.  Keep spreading the knowledge (and love)!

Mille S
Mille S

I am guilty of several of these. I love the comfort of my own world that I have built. Will I step out of my comfort zone, I'm not sure. The dating scene is too stressful for me.

Lisa Lee
Lisa Lee

some people are thirsty lol!

LouisWilliams
LouisWilliams

I must say I read your book and loved it, but it is easier said then done with most people in this world; for instant, yes i'm single and it has been a long while since my last date, most women say they want a down-to-earth, caring man but media has played in on their thoughts so much that they want that celebrity type of man. That's why most women base the man they want to be with off of some one who is famous. To me that is pure BULL to me, yes god put man to this earth to provide, that don't mean we are here to provide you with a lifestyle, relationship are ment to be 50/50 not 75/25. I don't know it might just be me. There are things in my life that needs to change, maybe we'll start today.