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10 Things Every Man Who Is Single Needs to Know

10 Things Every Man Who Is Single Needs to Know
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One thing I pride myself on is listening. And since I started blogging for ESSENCE, I’ve had a lot to listen to because… well, y’all have had a lot to say. What stood out the most is that no matter the forum (Twitter, Facebook, ESSENCE Community, etc.), a common theme has been, “Paul, we love your articles and advice but when are you going to give the Men some straight talk (no chaser)?”

My response was always canned. “ESSENCE.com is primarily visited by women and therefore, I write for women,” but there was one comment that broke me out of the mold! I found it while perusing one of my favorite blogs, Very Smart Brothas. The comment was made by a Brotha named ‘Obsidian’ (disclosure: this person uses an alias so I could be referring to a Tonganese hermaphrodite, but my guess is, he’s a Brotha) and he basically stated, “Paul isn’t in the business of helping Men” because he never writes to Brothas.

Well, you know what? Pertaining to ESSENCE, he’s right…their community is 96% female so writing a piece on something like fatherhood may not fully resonate, HOWEVER, for this site (my personal blog), I can choose what and how I write. That being said, this one is for the fellas! Although ladies, I have a request for you on this, too. Give it a read and if you agree with the content, please help me get it in the hands of as many men as possible – post it on your Facebook page, Tweet it, Pin it, and email it!

The following are the 10 things I want every man who is single to know!

 

1) Most Playboys I Know Die Lonely

The most sympathetic I have ever felt for a client was when I was approached by a 48-year-old, self-professed “playboy for life.” I’ll never forget the call. He said with a weak voice, “Paul, I’m looking for a companion, but you only have 6 months.” And then he added, I’ve given you that amount of time because that’s the same amount of time the doctors have given me to live and I’d like to share at least one day with true love before I leave earth.” We were not built to do life alone. Don’t wait too long to settle down.

 

2) Being a Playa is Nothing Compared to Being a Gentleman

Chivalry is not dead, but we’re killin’ it… slowly. In our parents’ day and before, boys were taught early on what it is to be a man, and part of that was knowing how to treat a lady. And if you didn’t learn it at home, you picked it up in the community by observing how men treated women. Now I go out, and men will not hesitate to walk through a door before a woman, let alone actually take the 5 extra seconds to hold it open for her. Brothas, really?? We know better, let’s act like it (especially for the boys coming up… they’ll be what they see)!

 

3) There is Nothing Sexier Than a Man with a Plan

Yeah, women often profess their love for an ambitious man, but I’ve found that a man with something as simple as a basic life plan (and MEASURABLE strides taken to achieve it) typically wins. I’m not saying to give up on your audacious “Jay-Z take over the world” scheme, but if all you have to show for it over the last 5 years is a studio in your basement, it’s time to move on. Remember that all of your goals need to be S.M.A.R.T. (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely).

 

4) If You Want a 10, Be a 10 First

Self-development is not just for the ladies. We want a woman who’s got her act together (body that’ll give Buffie competition, wittier than Kerry Washington, more nurturing than Florida Evans, and one that could give bedroom lessons to Karrine Stephens). That said, are we willing to take an honest look at ourselves to see where there is room for improvement. Don’t let that male EGO stop you from being the best you can be. Michael Jackson said it best… “start with the man in the mirror.”

 

5) Get a Mentor in Your Life … ASAP

Having a mentor is highly underrated. I couldn’t have experienced the successes I have (professionally and personally) without the guidance of several mentors. This is the single most effective step anyone can take to self-improve. There are countless studies that point to expedited development through the help of a mentor (and what’s most fascinating about this research is the qualification of the mentor makes a marginal impact on effectiveness -– so having basically anyone dedicated to listening and coaching you, will yield results). If you’re not sure about where to find a mentor, see #10.

 

6) Use Your Head to Protect Your Head

Yeah, you heard that right, protect your head! Diseases are killing us, Black men in particular. Most diseases are linked to straight smashin’… not intravenous drug use. Black men lead the number of new HIV infections and it’s literally and figuratively “the brain” that’s destroying us. The most popular question I get from high school and college-aged men is whether or not sexual diseases can be transferred through oral sex. I’ve stopped being amazed and perplexed why this was even a question to now simply being evangelical about it. If you have ANY sexual contact (oral, vaginal, and yes, anal), wear a condom or risk being 6 feet deep. Sexual education is a category that we need MUCH more dialogue about.

 

7) Treat ‘Em Like You Want Your Momma Treated

We know the sun rises and sets with our mommas, even today, if someone went in too hard with “Yo momma” jokes about my mom, your boy’s tie and jacket is comin’ off and someone is hittin’ the floor (of course, in all other areas of my life, I exercise complete self-control… lol). This is true for every man I know. So, just imagine if we treated the ladies in our life this way… like you would want another man (or anyone else) to treat your mother? Keeping this perspective, we will dramatically improve the value we place on our relationships with all women (not just those we’re interested in romantically).

 

8) See My 10 Most Underrated List for Underrated Diamonds

This was basically a listing of the most prevalent types of women that seek my services as a matchmaker and coach. I wouldn’t normally ask this, but Brothas, I need you to take some business away from me. There are way too many diamonds out there going unnoticed. Check out that list and ask yourself if you have any of these types of women in your life right now.

 

9) We Really Do Run This Thang, Let’s Run It Right

I’m speaking to my black brothas specifically on this one: I’ve traveled to at least one country on every continent and one thing has remained consistent: Americans may not be popular in all places overseas, but the popularity of “Black male Americans” has not diminished. Of course, it’s clear this is driven by music, film, and sports, but let’s accept the face value of it: internationally, Brothas are “winning.” Let’s not let that power go to waste (I have so many ideas here but we’ll discuss in another post). To whom much is given, much is expected. Let’s be the reflection of what it is to be a man.

 

10) I’m Here to Help

I get paid (well) for giving advice, but this is an occasion I’m down to help Pro bono publico. I am asking every single male (any age) to contact me if: a) you are in need of a mentor. b) you need relationship advice. c) you think there is another way I can help you. I will personally answer every inquiry and in all cases I cannot specifically help, I will refer you to someone who can. Also, I have created a monthly group called #MentorMonday where I provide free monthly life, love, branding, and general business support. Click here if you’re interested in joining me for #MentorMonday.

 

There have been many talented, strong, and dynamic men who have helped me and continue to do so — I stand on the shoulders of my father, father-in-law, grandfathers, and uncles. It’s my turn to bear some weight, come get on my shoulders, Brotha.

 

 

Posted on: Aug 3, 2012

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37 comments
SheriffBart
SheriffBart

Where is this list for women? I know too many men who do this already and do not have quality mates either, yet all i read about is how men are messing up FROM MALE FEMINSTS. The sad fact of the matter is that most women date the man described above and wind up sleeping with the bad boys. It wasn't until I wised up many years ago to the fact that women have and always will employ an "Alpha bux Beta bux" mating strategy, meaning nice guys and so-called "gentlemen" get to foot the bill for dates, lifestlye, etc while women experience their true pleasure with men "elsewhere". NO I am not bitter, I have been on both sides of this equation...and honestly as a man I prefer to be on the winning side. Any man who values himself would say the same. I still treat women with respect and the women I date respect me back, and we all get to have fun and enjoy a great connection together. I suggest men on here familiarize themselves with the term HYPERGAMY–the female sexual strategy counterpoint to polygamy before they throw themselves into a white-knight crusade perpetuated by women who are often time no better than the men they shame. Due to the feminization of society, this concept of hypergamy goes quietly swept under the rug by women while men continue to be shamed into thinking their own sexuality is something that needs to be restrained or "rehabilitated". However, increasingly, female sexuality has continued to be expanded and celebrated. The sooner men realize that this is the bargain, and the sooner women admit this, things will get better for both parties. Until then, men will continue to be "gentlemen" who patiently wait for sex like they are told, while the women they are wooing continue to explore their own covert sexual options with alluring men who know the game well and get what they want. It was not until I looked at the facts did I not make significant changes in my life that has led to giving myself and the women I date, a much more fulfilling romantic life. This article is right. Us as men (and black men especially) DO need to lead...We need to lead by educating ourselves as to the true nature of how humans interact both male and female. With the ascendency of women in society, it is up to us to peel back the veil of the "feminine mystique", end the duplicity of the sexual nature of women, and invite them to become liberated alongside us. Men, take the red pill. Wake up. Be men. Its what women really want anyways. They just won't ever admit it.

dbaby
dbaby

I believe this list is good. The only thing I would change is that you need to MOVE #3 to #1. I have found that most men (not all), but most. Have no clue of what a REAL MAN is!!! They are products of broken families, broken marriages, or overprotected families. They desperately NEED A GOOD MAN MENTOR in their lives.

Shade Odeinde
Shade Odeinde

Thank you for this post! I get concerned that the general 'conspiracy of silence' on male moral issues - compared to women's - sends a subtle message to men that it is OKAY (or at least ACCEPTABLE!) NOT to live by high standards. It matters when men - such as yourself - address these types of issues publicly. As a woman, I appreciate you speaking out.

Archie
Archie

Paul you said you were writing for the "Brothas" but you are still writing to women. The overall premise that most guys want to be "Playas" is flawed and most "Brothas" would be offended by the notion. Most guys I know want to be bunned. I think the real critique (of which I am told I am guilty) is that we may have lists/expectations that are unrealistic so in essence we are placing ourselves in perpetual solitude inadvertently and thus seemingly choosing to be "Playas." The guys that do this understand it's their choice. They are just out here chasing unicorns.

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This whole site is sexist, including this article. Why should one person let another person walk in front of them just because that person doesn't have a penis?! It's mad!! Also, the guy who calls himself 'Remy' is unbelievably sexist. Seriously, if he was in front of me I would find it difficult to stop at punching him instead of killing him.

Jai Hayes
Jai Hayes

Brother Jesse, it's those women who have not beem healed from their pain that trend top not appreciate a good man. You have to recognize the signs of a scorned woman. I was scorned, however I saught after healing. I realized that he was & not the spokesman for every man. I believe that there are.good men that walk this earth...he just proved to me he is not one of them!!!

Jesse Freeman
Jesse Freeman

Find me a woman who appreciates this by acting like a lady and I'll agree with it. Until then, being a gentleman only has you cleaning up the mental and emotional mess that the previous player left in his wake.

marquis chaney
marquis chaney

why do women look pass good men to go back an say were r the real men. may be u hit him were it hurt, The HEART sometimes we as men dont come back all the way after that.

Christopher Lewis
Christopher Lewis

Amen... Shared with many MALE friends of mines... (u know) proof, to back up an arguement... lol =)

Ms T
Ms T

U guys still exist, (AND a "brotha") I must say, you have renewed my faith in brothas. Well said. well done. true gentleman. Thank you! Will be sharing; hopes this catches on quickly like wild fire. Now, if u could only reach the masses with this message?!! Its refreshing and very positive, especially nowadays, where simple morals have gone to literally hell!!! But the media and pop culture, especially in the entertainment industry (music) portray and influence men to act a different way..Oh I pray you reach those who need to hear this message.

Remy
Remy

There is no such thing as love - However there is such a thing as lust and dislike - to say those three words is a way of gaining pant dropping points or getting out of chores. For ladies its getting that credit card to come out of his hands quicker. If you want someone to stay with you treat them like dirt, if you don't want them around treat them like a queen. Its been the number 1 rule from the cave man till todays metrosexual man. Never show a woman your phone its a sign of weakness. Never ever let a woman stay over your house more than 1 time unless your intending on making it a regular! Always make more money than your woman otherwise you will be wearing the skirt! This means you will be thinking of what lingeire to wear instead of her. Never open doors for a woman unless its your Mom, Sister or Wife only if your in the dog house. Otherwise let that slam its a good way to get her boiling so it breaks the ice later. Never buy dinner always go dutch otherwise your credit card will be rinsed like a wash basket. Also it shows that you don't like her that much so she will try harder. Never ever by a woman flowers this is a sign you did something wrong or are about too. Never admit to being wrong even though you are just don't do it! Your a man dont be a weakling. My last rule always keep them on there toes once they get complacent no more special treats. Last but not least we are african decendents we are allowed more than 3 women at one time, times have changed and the headache levels have seen women gain a voice. So to keep our tradition going we never mix all 3 at one time. Allow 200 miles or have a different woman from each race if you do not have a car. This rule has saved me, whilst others have had suits, cars houses and banks cleaned out ! Remember PRE NUP is the word before thinking of marriage Formula if A = You and B = Partner & C = Marriage D =Run If A B = C if A B = D I. Last but not least slap her booty on a regular basis before and after marriage see keep them on there toes.! IMPORTANT

taut_7
taut_7

great post man. awesome advice. as far as number 1, i think a lot of men learn this from experience and not by being told. playing the field gets boring for a lot of men after a while and they begin to look for someone to share their life with. as far as number 5, in my field of work (biomedical research) there aren't many black men and as far as a life mentor i'm still working on that. maybe you could help me with that.

Caronism
Caronism

One more (please indulge me)... Loosen up the grip on Mama. She should not be in the midst of your relationship and you should be able to develop one without a chaperone.

Adam West
Adam West

Heart single women all over are about to share this like there's no tomorrow.

Lorenzo
Lorenzo

Paul C. Brunson, I happen to read your article titled on how we as men should either "Expand Our Social Circles" or "Open Our Mind To New Women". You then posted a list that you titled "10 Most Underrated Women...." Well personally speaking, I has absolutely NO issue dating in what I have seen you put out there. 5 ft 9'ers and taller Ms. Jr. Booty Madame Business Mogul Ms. Independent Over 35 Years Old Single Mom The Homegirl The Plus Size Diva Celibate and Proud None of these would I ever have a problem with. My only concerns would be with Madame Business Mogul. Would she lose INTEREST in me if I was not business oriented like she was and it bored me. Also, the plus size diva. I am 6 ft 5.5 in tall and over 275lbs. Now if she is more plus than that then that may be an issue. Introverted Now as far as the introvert is concerned. I am very social and I know a LOT of people. So me being almost the opposite may be an issue for her or she could begin to feel insecure because of all the people I know. Not to mention that I come from an enormous family. But that is how I am looking at it. I'm just saying...

TraceOne
TraceOne

Loved it...loved it...loved it! Glad this was what men should hear. A real man writing a real article!

Sharon
Sharon

Well said, thank you

Jeannette
Jeannette

WOW...loving this article but #7 & #10 really tug at my heart string :)

PoshMiss
PoshMiss

#10, I completely respect. Great Job at giving this advice and providing a resource. You sir have done a great job of building a valuable brand. Inspiration for the rest of us.

Eronel
Eronel

Hope this goes viral!

Marketgirl305
Marketgirl305

Wow, this is excellent! I'm passing this along

nika
nika

Thanks for being a MAN!! I pray you continue to be blessed, covered and anointed by God. We definitely need more men like you. I pray men step back into the role God has given them and women take the place God created them for. We REALLY do need a companion on this earth to fulfill God's vision for us. We(women) were created for the man to be a helpmate. I just hope our men stand up and be who they were DIVINELY created to be...GENTLEMEN. Love and peace

Movin4ward
Movin4ward

So your response validates his #1 post, "1) Most Playboys I Know Die Lonely." Regardless how you get there you are there and that is what he is saying to men...Re-evaluate what it is that is keeping you from that meaningful relationship...smiles.

Vitamin E
Vitamin E

"act like a lady" STFU, as if there's ONE way that women and men are supposed to act

CoreReal
CoreReal

It's obvious that you haven't been lucky enough to date many "LADIES". They still exist.

Candacey Doris
Candacey Doris

Then you are dating the wrong ladies. Please compare the women you date to the one you want and adjust accordingly.

SHill21
SHill21

Just to clarify, introverted doesn't always mean that a person is shy or not willing to socialize. It simply means they process internally. Introverts get their energy from solitude. They often withdraw and need more personal space than extroverts who process externally. I know introverts who are social and have tons of friends. I'm an extrovert who is big on intimate (really close) relationships. We just process our thinking differently. I hope that clarifies.

Consuela Floyd
Consuela Floyd

Lorenzo, A real woman will not be insecure unless you give her reason to question your actions; it's all about the delivery. Secondly, if you don't have an issue with dating these types why are you still single as most women fall under those categories?

Dionne
Dionne

Sorry Jesse, I have to agree with Candacey and CoreReal. Grown up, mature woman appreciate a gentleman and would never take advantage of him.

Chanel
Chanel

you couldnt have said that better. I appreciate the fact that you although you are an extrovert you still see how introverts are and you dont judge us.

Crystal
Crystal

I totally agree. The first thing a man will say is that a woman is insecure. but that is not true. My bf has no prob with telling me how pretty celebs are and recently a friend of mine was over and he literally watched her as she walked across the room. I was immediately upset and he knew that i saw him do it. Now I am always concerned and worried that I am not enough for him. But i think its time for me to call it quits. A woman will not be insecure unless you give her a reason to be. If you make your woman feel like she is the most beautiful girl in the world she will never be insecure.

Red
Red

"A real woman", I know a few women who are insecure for no real reason. Does that mean they're secretly men?